No. Just…No

 You ever notice how we can usually find a way to deal with the bigger problems life throws our way, but the small things can do us in? Having been diagnosed with stage four (formerly called terminal) cancer back in January of 2016, my current condition is not totally unexpected. I had hoped for (and thought I had gotten) better, but this was always a possible outcome. I’m dealing with it with as much grace, positivity, and humor as I can muster. Today though, I’ve hit one of those points that upset the (proverbial) apple cart, something that is the straw that breaks the back of the (theoretical) camel. By the way, proverbial apple carts are probably better, as they contain no bad ones to rot the bunch, and, from what I understand, theoretical camels are much nicer than real ones, which tend to bite, spit, and be all-around bad tempered beasts. Of course, I might be significantly more bad tempered if I was known for having my back broken by (theoretical) straw. 

Anyway, returning to my point, there’s usually one small thing in the midst of bigger problems that causes us to say, “Enough! I can’t possibly deal with this too”. For me, that thing happened today. On its own, it would probably not be such a major matter, but combined with everything else, it feels overwhelming. I got up in the middle of the night last night and was dizzy. At the time, I felt like it was just one of those middle of the night, half awake things that’d be gone in the morning. I was wrong. I’m still dizzy today. When combined with the already existing balance problems…well, it’s a bit much. I recently had to increase my dose of anti seizure medication, so maybe that’s the cause, but the fact remains, this small thing feels like more than I can possibly handle on top of everything else.

It’s odd, that dizziness should rate higher on the list of “bad things that can happen” than terminal cancer with a brain tumor does, but that’s how it is for me today. If this proves to be more than temporary, I’ll eventually find a way to make it part of my new normal and, of course, to laugh about it. It just won’t be today.